Ready for Change | Journal April 2018 | Life Update

Ready for Change | Journal April 2018 | Life Update

Somedays, I’m happy. Ready for life to keep going the way it is and I mean yes I’m okay with that. Then again, there are things I want to do. Honestly, I want to make money and travel. Travel to places I’ve never been and listen to new music I’ve never listened to. To sit on the beach with my favorite playlist, a glass of wine, and just stare at the ocean and think about how great life is. Lately, I can’t do that. It’s making me realize how much I want a change. Used to, I could go places and do things. I know that money has a lot to do with it. There are ways I could make money, if people would stop stopping me… There are things I could be doing to get another vehicle and go travel wherever I like and live my life… but things are stopping me. I’m trying to not hurt others but my life is going to waste by staring at the same city and the same things and the same four walls. It gets old, quick. Sure I want these things, but your perspective changes once you get older. Honestly, this was exactly what I wanted when I was 10. Now I’m 20 almost 21, and I just want to travel and live life. Don’t get me wrong I love him, I love the things he does for me and I know he’s trying to straighten up… but we aren’t traveling, seeing new things, we don’t do anything but grocery shop hit taco bell come home drink and sleep. He games, I listen to music, get lost in my thoughts, and remember what it used to be like and how fun it always was to travel and see new things. I lived in a different state, different and more things to do, lived my life. Here it isn’t that way. MS has always depressed me and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I know it’s not that easy to move though and I don’t want to leave my family again. I also though, don’t want to not travel and see new things. New and exciting things I’ll remember until the day I die. To the phase, I don’t want to look back and be like, “I never got to see that beach or that city.” I don’t want to live in regret or depression. I love traveling, it’s something I’ve always loved to do and want to continue to do. Even though some would rather stay home all day everyday, that’s not me. I feel like I’m trapped in a jail cell or something not doing anything. It’s causing depression and isolation but it’s also causing me to wake up once again and realize what I really want in life. Maybe I’m just in my feelz or maybe it’s just something big and different coming my way who really knows. I just honestly hope, this isn’t the rest of my life. Sitting in this lonely bed, lies, depression, isolation, all of it. I’d rather travel, shop, see and get new things, live life. This is just depressing me and it’s not who I am. Why did I work so hard to find myself after I left NM…. just to end up having to find that same girl all over again? But the real me is waking up again. You’ll see soon.